“MARS RESIDENTS VIEW ECLIPSE AT MASONIC LODGE!”

by Christopher Hodapp

Just in case you came to this site wondering if all of us "High-Ranking 33rd Degree Knight Templar Supreme Pontiff Freemasons" got safely transported off the Earth by our reptilian allies during Monday's total solar eclipse, the answer is no. I haven't checked in with members of the Royal family in England yet, but at least stateside, all of us 33rds here somehow managed to survive the ordeal. I realize that if you look at my garage and see the piles of home repair and building supplies, boxes of odds and ends, lawn equipment, unused TVs and refrigerators, old furniture, aging paint cans and mismatched tools, you might think I had been raptured up just as I commenced work on a major remodeling project. But no.

When it comes to the recrudescent rounds of conspiracy theories involving world destruction and the purported involvement of the fraternity of Freemasonry, the eclipse brought out a whole cavalcade of loons, buffoons, kooks, crazies, moonbats, asshats, bedlamites, basket cases and the perennially paranoid, all eagerly panting for updates from the usual gang of infernal, yodeling blowholes who peddle these portentous pronouncements of puerile pish posh as deliberate clickbait. Usually for profit.

RW Cameron Bailey, Past Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Washington (state) had a column on his substack site this week on this very topic. See I'll Send Your Orders In The Morning.

During times like these, I usually find myself whistling the tune of "I've Got My Tinfoil Hat On, Hip-Hip-Hip Hooray."

The trouble with “end o’ the world!” conspiracists is that, sooner or later, they have to be right just once, or their gulled followers might begin to suspect them of crackpottery. The world didn't end after Adam and Eve got their eviction notice for pissing off the Landlord, and it never has ever since that time. So the doomers and gloomies who trot out their 'The End Is Nigh!' sandwich board signs every couple of years just don’t seem to have a winning record.

No, I'm not going to link to any of the daffiest anti-Masonic claims online because I don't want them to benefit from any more undue attention than they have already received. But I did sort of wonder why the Masons, NASA, the entire national security apparatus, Starbucks and The Government™ planned to precisely launch some sort of non-specific "attack" on the citizenry under the cover of momentary darkness, during the few brief minutes of totality. Last I checked, I do believe that the world gets dark for at least 10 or more hours at a stretch, every single night, depending on where you live. Plus, the odds of those usual suspects pulling off some sort of cataclysmic event timed to precisely coincide with just a few minutes of darkness at any point along the shadow's path are astronomical. Neither The Government™ nor the Freemasons have never done anything on time in their lives.

As for me, I haven't had this much to not worry about since Comet Kohoutek, New Coke, the Y2K Virus, and the night I threw away my battered Mayan Calendar.

Nevertheless, I do have to say this linked website from the Butler Eagle newspaper in Pennsylvania provided what is now officially my favorite headline of this festive End Times occasion:

 “MARS RESIDENTS VIEW ECLIPSE AT MASONIC LODGE!”

I'm here to blow up the Earth. It obstructs my view of Venus.

It seems the brethren of John E. Mair Masonic Lodge 729 in the Earth-bound borough of Mars, Pennsylvania hosted an eclipse viewing party. Because of the town's astronomical name, a pretty decent sized clot of eclipse watchers poured into the area just so they could say they watched the solar light show from their position on Mars. 

Teaming up with a pair of local businesses, the event included free pizza, soft drinks, Moon Pies (natch) and an ice cream truck. The person showing up with the best solar-themed shirt even won a telescope.